Its been a bad Saturday for me.
1. I slept and overslept, each time expecting the problem to poof when I woke up next. And my oversleeping explains whatever happened to the problem.
2. The persons in my life are preoccupied. With work and subsequent recreation. And of course, if nothing else boredom, but not me. I feel unimportant.
3. I saw the futility of many activities which usually are associated with the circumstance of being stuck in a problem: crying, cribbing, swearing, indvertent and unconcious fasting and yes, praying.
I have been waiting for long now for miracles of prayer with no result. I should not have been exposed to that many mythological serials as a child. I over-rely it seems, on power of prayer. And Mr. Williams (my overtly and fanatically Christian School Principal) only worsened matters.
Usually when in hostel, the escapist mantra during college-oriented depression is "I wanna go home", but whats my mantra now?
Does God read blogs?
I cannot as a matter of right ask for a better future, but why cannot I ask now to be like a past I have lived already?
Why cannot reciprocation in love and relationship come on its own to all like nature's calls? And why poiting out the requriement of reciprocation in all times so embarrassing to me? Why cannot I claim what I deserve, or to me it appears I deserve?
Why can I not like all those others I know of, be at some Saturday Nite party? Why my life is such that I need to a write a depressing blog on a Saturday evening for others to read in their leisure time?
I want to sleep. I want to wake up sorted out. I want to rebelieve in the power of prayer. I want to be normal. And I want to use my writing for better thoughts than to use it as an emotional sink.
Amen. (Or should I not be saying this? Have I turned atheist?)